Monday, November 2, 2026PragueLate Enclosure EditionPrice: One Carrot
Enclosure · Top Story
Enclosure Cleaned to the Walls; Everything Was Cleaned
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
PRAGUE — The total enclosure cleaning ordered in the wake of the burrow stores scandal has been carried out, officials confirmed on Monday, and it exceeded every instruction. The enclosure has been cleaned to the walls. Everything in it has been cleaned.
The cleaning was general and, aides said, thorough. The food bowl was cleaned. The water bottle was cleaned. The hut, the bridge and the chew toys were cleaned. The seed stores, emptied a day earlier under disputed circumstances, were cleaned again for the record, and the poop reserve, found dry on Sunday, was scrubbed out to the last corner. A mop and a bucket, the instruments of the operation, stood by in silence, their work done.
Mr. Tofu Ciabatta, the enclosure’s occupant, surveyed the spotless vacancy in silence. Every surface gleamed. The shelves, bare since Sunday, had been washed anyway, on principle. Restocking is expected in due course, onto shelves cleaner than the stores that will sit on them.
The enclosure, after the cleaning. Nothing in it, and everything in it cleaned. The mop and bucket, instruments of the work, stand beside him. Illustration: The Chew Your Times.
The stores, after the ‘cleaning’. Shelves bare, jars on their sides, sack empty. Illustration: The Chew Your Times.
November 1 Bulletin
Seed Stores Emptied in Burrow ‘Cleaning’; Even the Poop Reserve Is Dry
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
PRAGUE — Early details are being reported of a massive theft carried out during what was claimed to be a burrow cleaning. All of the seed stores and the entire vegetable storage appear to be missing, officials said, and the shelves where they stood were found bare.
Most alarming, investigators say, is the state of the poop store, a reserve seldom discussed and still more seldom touched. It, too, has run dry. Storage jars were found on their sides, an open seed sack stood empty, and no reserve of any kind could be located in the burrow.
No culprit has been named and no explanation has been offered for how a cleaning came to remove everything that was being kept. The burrow's occupant, Mr. Tofu Ciabatta, surveyed the empty shelves in silence. An inventory is expected once officials have finished counting what is not there.
Mr. Tofu Ciabatta, mid-comeback, on the wheel at full tilt. Illustration: The Chew Your Times.
October 26 Bulletin
Wheel Hits 1,945 as the Comeback Gathers Pace
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
PRAGUE — The comeback is gathering pace. Last night's wheel count reached 1,945 rotations, up from 1,605 the night before and the third strong night in a row since the 128-rotation collapse. At roughly 0.878 meters per rotation, the night's run covered about 1.7 kilometers.
The twenty-five night total now stands at 40,846 rotations, about 35.9 kilometers, with the personal best of 3,273 (October 9) still unthreatened. Officials say the wheel is spinning smoothly and the champion, while no longer grumpy, has declined to comment.
Mr. Tofu Ciabatta, mid-rebound, before an audience of admirers. Illustration: The Chew Your Times.
October 25 Bulletin
Wheel Roars Back Past 1,600 as Recovery Completes
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
PRAGUE — The rebound is complete. Last night's wheel count climbed to just over 1,600 rotations, the second strong night in a row after the 1,594-rotation marathon, and a long way back from the 128-rotation collapse earlier this week.
Analysts are calling it a full recovery. The wheel, for its part, has offered no comment, though it is said to be spinning smoothly.
The count restores the champion's standing after a week of wild swings, from a personal best of 2,721 down to 128 and back again. Officials urge fans to check the log in the morning.
The winterization project, underway. Bedding, everywhere. Illustration: The Chew Your Times.
Housing · Enclosure
Burrow Buried in Bedding in Apparent Winterization Drive
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
PRAGUE — The enclosure has been redecorated. Overnight, Chib kicked bedding all over the place, piling it high around the burrow in what officials are describing as a winterization project.
The burrow entrance is now substantially buried. Whether this is insulation against the coming cold or simply interior design remains unclear, but sources close to the cage say the burrow has never looked cozier.
Wheel Report · Brief
1,175 Rotations on the Night of the Great Cleaning
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
The Locomotion Log records 1,175 wheel rotations on the night of November 1, about 1.0 kilometer at roughly 0.878 meters per rotation. The run went ahead in an enclosure cleaned to the walls, before an audience of one mop.
The wheel was cleaned with everything else, and is now the shiniest fixture in the enclosure. It is said to be spinning smoothly.
From the Publisher
A New Nameplate for This Paper
The new nameplate, in traditional type. Illustration: The Chew Your Times.
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
Ciabatta News is no more. This paper has a new name, The Chew Your Times, set in a traditional old-style typeface befitting a journal of record. The motto is unchanged, all the news that's fit to pouch, and the price is unchanged, one carrot. The reporting standards are unchanged too: the wheel counts are real.
October 24 Bulletin
1,594 Rotations Leave Champion Tired and Irritable
Mr. Tofu Ciabatta. File photo.
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
After a marathon night of 1,594 rotations, Chib woke up tired and, by all accounts, thoroughly irritable. Sources close to the cage report he glared at his water bottle, declined a morning carrot, and retreated to his hut for what officials are calling an unscheduled rest.
Analysts say the outburst was inevitable: after two quiet nights of 128 and 428 rotations, the surge was the hamster equivalent of running a marathon with no training.
October 24 Bulletin
Carrot Declined at Dawn, Eaten “Without Enthusiasm”
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
The carrot economy remains stable. One carrot was offered at dawn and, despite the grumpiness, was eventually accepted, though witnesses say it was eaten, quote, “without enthusiasm.”
The wheel maintenance crew has confirmed the wheel is in full working order and denies any responsibility for the mood, noting that nobody forced anyone onto it at midnight.
October 24 Bulletin
Press Office Calls Peanut Bowl an “Unrelated Incident”
The scene, after the incident. Illustration: The Chew Your Times.
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
The press office declined to comment on the knocked-over peanut bowl, calling it an unrelated incident. The bowl has since been restored to its upright position. No further incidents have been reported.
October 22 Bulletin
Shock on the Rotating Plains: Just 128 Rotations
The wheel, silent. Illustration: The Chew Your Times.
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
The Locomotion Log confirms just 128 wheel rotations last night, a collapse from 1,418 the night before and a fraction of the personal best of 2,721. Last night's effort totals roughly 112 meters.
Officials have offered no explanation. Possible causes under review include a very good nap.
October 22 Bulletin
Pine Nut Policy Unchanged Despite Advisories
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
The Emperor continues to receive one, sometimes two pine nuts per day, despite repeated advisories about fat intake. He has reviewed the recommendation. He continues to receive pine nuts.
October 22 Bulletin · Sightings
Orange Citadel Emergence Verified; Shrimp State Out in Daylight
By NORA, The Chew Your Times Desk
The Sightings desk reports a verified emergence from the orange citadel and a routine patrol of the western boundary. The mushroom spring situation remains unresolved.
The shrimp state has again been observed during daylight hours. Its classification remains temporary.
